Tickle-Me Elmo
Hello, Robert Harold Squarepants. Or should I say “Spongebob Squarepants” as everybody likes to call you, or how you want them to call you so they don’t speculate the real you. You must be wondering how you got into this abandoned warehouse or why there’s a decomposed body of a child. We’ll get to that later.
First, I want you to really think about why you’re in this mess you giggly buffoon. You walk around with a smile, pretending to be everybody’s friend but I know who you really are. I know what lies behind that bright yellow exterior, something much darker than meets the eye. Ever since that tragic day, where you took the life of my dear childhood friend, I’ve been watching your every move, studying all of your habits to uncover your deepest darkest secrets. My suspicion towards your cruel intentions has arisen tremendously as I can see through your kind facade but nobody else can.
I know why you laugh so much, The titillating sensation you feel from praise is the reason for your guffaws. Every time someone enjoys one of your Krusty Krabs or applauds you for your hard work, like your 26 and counting Employee Of The Month awards, your entire body fills with sexual pleasure, unbenknowsts to the customers or your coworkers… In fact, I know you’re getting excited from the mere mention of these accolades. Your constant SICK giggly attitude is merely a mask for your true menacing nature.
Furthermore, I uncovered the truth as to what happened on the day of July 14, the anniversary of when you started working at the Krusty Krab. On the menu was the special Asparagus-Wrapped Krabby Patties with Kelp Fries and a small Kelp Shake. Why does this matter? Well that day was special for me too.. It was my best friend’s birthday, Tony, who had just turned 10 and we were so happy and excited to spend the day together. We were on our way to Glove World and I wanted to buy him food from his favorite restaurant so we went to Krusty Krab once they opened. That was when I saw you for the first time, holes and all. After ordering our food, Tony took a bite of his Krabby Patty and after a few minutes he dropped to the floor, purple and unresponsive. Panicked, I called for help and there you rushed, pretending to be the hero so everyone would applaud you. At first, I thought you were a genuinely friendly person, you had me fooled.
After you ‘tried” your best to save Tony, I cried over his mangled body that had been crushed from the compressions. I heard people sobbing but congratulating you for trying…The giggles, I can still hear them as they all thanked you. You were deemed a hero, but I uncovered the truth. It wasn’t asparagus that the Krabby Patties contained, it was a different type of bootleg man made green that Eugene Krabs found in one of Plankton’s old gardens he’d experimented on… He used these as a cheap alternative for Asparagus without thinking of the consequences and after the first customer, my best friend, suffered from this safety protocol negligence that you willfully cooked and served. It was ruled out as an allergic reaction, but I knew there was more to the story.
Krabs had swept his murder over the rug and you took all the glory from pretending to be a hero for your own sick benefit. Now, you must be thinking any sane person would collect all the information and take this to the police, and I did. Only for it to be dismissed because Eugene Krabs had paid the police to remove any bad rep from his business. Justice wasn’t served for Tony, so I must take it upon myself to bring it for him.
I’ve already dealt with your boss, now it’s time to deal with you with a special trap I concocted specifically for you. After slipping a sleeping agent into one of your daily morning kelp shakes on your way to work, I brought you to this old abandoned warehouse, where Tony’s family’s business once thrived, but once his parents lost their baby boy, they fell through a deep depression and lost it all. This old toy factory has been abandoned for a while now, so nobody will find you or hear you.
I’ve strapped you X-shaped and tied you tightly with Tickle Me Elmo dolls under your bare feet and feathers covering your body, especially making sure they hit your armpits. Doesn’t sound scary does it? Well the thing about being tickled is it can be boggling to the human mind and eventually deadly.
I’d like you to go out the way you lived, a complete giggly mess. First, your body will fight the uncomfortableness and you’ll be laughing uncontrollably to the point of incontinence. As the intensity increases, you’ll be begging for it to stop but to no avail and eventually your body will succumb. A stroke, a heart attack, maybe you’ll even pass out first or lose consciousness from the lack of breathing you do since you’ll be constantly laughing and exhaling all your oxygen.
Now, “how do I get out of this situation”, you might be asking. Well, you did try to save Tony, after all. So, I’ll give you a small fighting chance. To escape from the Tickle Me Elmo trap, you must correctly guess in seconds the amount of time you spent saving Tony and multiply it by the amount of giggles you let out from the time it took for the ambulance to arrive. However, the more times you correct wrong, the higher the intensity of the tickling gets and after 3 strikes, the Tickle Me Elmo dolls will release their sharp teeth I designed them with and begin chomping away at your body parts until you bleed out or succumb from the trap. So either you get tickled to death, eaten alive, or potentially survive.
Good Luck Spongebob Squarepants, it is up to you now and whether you make it out but that doesn’t promise it will be the last you hear from me, Doctor Sleep.
by 
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